As the sun rises from behind the earth, I saw the most beautiful sight I have ever seen. It was like I was in heaven but don’t worry I’m not dead well not yet anyway.It was a cold freezing summer, weird isn’t it summer and its really cold but this wasn’t any old place it was space great view from the window of earth you can see the whole thing well half of it any way but still a good view anyway and I mean its one of the best part of being here for 8 years well and we have apes up here to.
“Pete we need you now in sector 4” so as I went to sector 4 I stopped of to see my favourite monkey Ceaser and to see if he’s feeling alright. As soon as I got there I shouted
“How’s he doing Dr Sue”
“Much better Pete I mean I think he really likes the bracelet you gave him well I mean they better not let him go out on a mission like the other monkeys I mean he is not ready for that if he goes out he might … well you know”.
As soon as she finished drinnnng drinnnng the sound of the computer went of and we found out it was my family back in America and I saw my beautiful family in front of a beach and over the distance I can see kids laughing and having a good time with the wind blowing into there hair and them swimming and building sand castle while having ice cream ohh how I wish to have an ice cream I wish I could be there it seems like the perfect day as good as anything but I couldn’t tell them or show them I mean there already sad and if they found out they would be more sad but the first sound I heard was my best friend Jack
“when are you coming bob well it not like I miss you or anything but your parents cry all alot”
” well where are they” and that when I here my sister cry
“because am engaged”and cheering and clapping starts.
“when are you going to get married”
and that’s when the laughter’s starts pouring “funny but I miss you guys ohh wait I have to go bye”
“bye”
“Can we have Pete to sector 4 now!”
so I start to run to the major and over here its just all white and so much button normally so dull but this time there was something out the win it was a strange sight I’ve never seen anything like it was like when you put whipped cream on your ice cream and it swirls up its a very strange spiral.
“yes its why we called you here we think its some sort of portal”
“wait a portal that seems very unlikely we need to test this out”
“yes we thought of that as well”
“well then what monkey are we using this time”
“well as ceaser is already sick and all of our other monkeys is fully healthy we might as well use him and if it doesn’t go so well then ”
” no I will not allow it what if he dies I might never see him again”
I shouted ” unfortunately its not your decision so sue get the pod ready for take of immediately ”
“fine but your going to regret it ” .
I ran straight to ceaser to see him of praying that everything is going to be alright and ceaser can return home as soon as possible and everything can return to normal well our normal anyway so as I see ceaser taking off he looked very scared but not only that it felt like he said something to me it felt like he said goodbye and then he went and for most of the time that’s the only thing I thought of and once it closed the whole thing was just eating me up.
“okay so as am the major I will guide him to the portal”
“no you go nowhere near the control pad I will guide ceaser to the portal”
“okay but only this once , so guide the pod slowly and carefully to the portal”
As soon as the pod left it was like the whole space craft was running away .But the pod from quickly just disappearing into nowhere or more like into the portal.
” its all your fault you so called major am going out to find him weather you like it or not ”
” well am not going to stop you” and that’s when sue said ”
“your not even giving him a fight to stop him” and that’s when I go with sue right behind me and it doesn’t take long before I get ready and that’s when sue says
” am not going to try and stop you because once you’ve mad a decision your stuck on it so get him back and return safely ”
“thanks for believing in me”
and that’s when I went with the whole of the crew watching me and then POW! my whole life just flashed before my eyes I was #bloadfoam. I just went through the portal without realising.The next thing I remember is being in a cage with other humans who look like there servants.
“Where are we and what time is this”
and that’s when I got the surprise of my life ” where in the planets of the apes and this is the year 3000″ ” have I been asleep for that long ” “longer” and that’s when I remember he said planet of the apes and then I realised where in a jungle with some sort of and old fashioned like houses actually looks quite calm its like a very natures park however the monkeys selling humans as slaves and used them for there work however these monkeys look a bit weird like a puppet and then I noticed something there’s a monkey sitting on a chair like he was the king and it looked an awful like ceaser and then I noticed that he was wearing the bracelets I gave him it and I was in shock . Surrounded by talking monkeys and they were wiping them so then without me thinking about it I dive in and saved a poor young innocent life and he wipped me and then that was the end of me.
by Aniss Kadri 8W1S
neologisms
#bloadfoam~ its another word for gobsmacked.
December 6, 2015 at 12:19 pm
An interesting setting here Aniss that we need to develop further. Follow the targets below to improve your story and work towards the genre writing badge.
1) Reread the opening and look at your sentence structure. Make sure that it makes sense and focus first on describing the setting of your story. Make sure that your reader can see the place the story is happening in their heads.
Use a wider range of figurative language (similes, metaphors, personification etc) in order to help create an image for your reader.
2) Try to avoid too much dialogue between characters. Focus on using speech only when absolutely necessary. Think of other ways you can communicate what they are saying either through body language or their actions.
Keep up the good work and remember to use paragraphs!
January 3, 2016 at 8:59 am
Good use of neologism Aniss and well done for following the first part of your feedback.
However, in order to achieve the Genre Writing badge, you need to follow all the feedback that has been given above, most importantly target 2.
Really think about how you can create an image of this world for me.
February 9, 2016 at 9:32 am
Well I think I should get the genre writing badge because I think that my story does come under the qualities to get it such as my story describes the setting of it and has a lot of descriptive words and I also use similies and neologism I also used a good amount of punctuation and I tried really hard on it I also included a lot of speech and dialogue I’ve also written over 600 words.